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I’m getting older. I don’t care about the unnecessary things I used to care about. It feels as though an unseen boulder has been lifted off my back; that’s the best way I could describe how I’m currently feeling. Alhamdulilah. I don’t have to keep thinking so negatively about myself. I’m entering a new era in my life, and I just know that the constant self-defeating comments need to go. I’m less worried about the circumstances I find myself in and more concerned with sharpening my skills deeply and consistently. But there was a time when life wasn’t like this. The last version of Umulkhair was a sponge. It didn’t matter if it was good or bad, but she soaked up all the different energies that surrounded her, which enhanced the predominantly vile toxicity that was within her. Though she never said it out loud, she worried about the people in her immediate vicinity just as much as she worried about the people she has deliberately chosen to be in her life in the past.

Right now, I’m not focused on attaining material things. In the past, I used to chase after getting degrees, gaining a lot of financial wealth (though it was unclear how I would gain and spend it), and always putting myself first. I never thought about Allah as much as I do now. Alhamdulilah, with every action I take now, I consider whether or not He would approve of it. I’m sincerely thankful to the Most Merciful for granting me the ability to put Him first over everyone and everything else. I learned that misery leeches off of people. I am now doing my best to not allow their misery to affect my perception of life. Whereas in the past, I would sit with these misery-laden individuals, soak up everything they were feeling, and release the negative emotions I’ve been bottling up for a long time. It was wrong of me to sit with them. Not because I needed to shield myself from their constant misery (though that is important), but because it opened up a harmful opportunity for me to deal with what I was feeling inside.

I haven’t fully figured out what to do with the dark things I feel inside, but I know that everything will work out in the end. Insha’Allah, with the help of the Most Merciful, I will get to a point where I am able to sit with myself and face the imperfections I have. I have always pushed it aside and let it mix with the substandard experiences I was forced to endure, all for it to mount up to a point where I would completely shut down. The doom would paralyze me for an extended period of time. There are still moments I have in the present where I feel that same apathetic feeling. I’ve noticed how, when I’m around a person who’s always talking badly about their life and how everything in their life is abysmal, I tend to go to a very dark place too. I forget about the good things that are happening in my life, and I get reminded of the incredibly lonely place I was at the lowest point of my life.

I forgive myself for not knowing how to deal with people trespassing on my mental health. I forgive myself for not knowing better. I forgive myself for allowing people to disrespect me as I stood in front of them. I forgive myself for not setting boundaries early on. I also forgive myself for not being there for people who needed me to be there for them. May Allah swt increase us in all forms of health and well-being. Ameen. It’s time to make way for a new era. I can feel it in my bones that new things are coming, and it’s a scary but beautiful feeling. This is why I need to cultivate the certain skillset I know I need because it will immensely help my new life.

One of the qualities I’ve noticed I have is that I can be obsessive about people and/or things that pique my interest. The Umulkhair I used to be has used this quality in more unhealthy ways than healthy. The new Umulkhair is now using this quality for good. Alhamdulilah. I know that I have to do certain tasks every single day to get to where I want to get. Rather than obsessing over the destination, I am now choosing to obsess over the journey. I am deliberately choosing to fall in love with the process of change through repetition. I figured there is no harm in using what Allah swt inherently gave me to become a stronger believer.

I think it’s always worth it to desire to change yourself for the sake of Allah. It’s really beautiful to turn to God and ask Him to change you into a person He loves and is proud of. I pray that Allah swt aids me every step of the way and grants me all the good I desire. Ameen!

فِي أَمَانِ ٱللَّهِ