Hello, dear reader. I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been trying to put all my focus on the process, and I learned that it is a painful thing to do. I’m the kind of person who tends to check everything twice or thrice to see if any mistakes have been made or if there are any updates that need to be made. The reason why I want to be obsessed with the journey of getting to where I want to get is because I realized that there exists a part of me that hasn’t fully submitted to one of the pillars of Iman, which is qada. I keep checking my email and all the likes, shares, favourites, and saves my essays are getting because a part of me is anxious. There is a tiny little version of myself somewhere in the deep outskirts of my mind that wonders if the time and energy I am putting into my writing is all for naught. I want this mini version of myself to have absolute confidence in the way God planned my life journey.

I am uncertain of what the future holds, and mini-me constantly reminds me of that. Mini-me is worried that my efforts won’t be noticed and/or appreciated. There’s this famous Hadith of a man asking the prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) whether he should tie his camel or put his trust in God. The prophet advised him to do both. What immediately strikes me about the prophet’s response is the implicit balance required to do both acts. Whenever I doubt myself and worry about the future, those feelings don’t just quiet down. It actually feels debilitating to constantly worry and think about the millions of ways I’m falling short. God forbid that in the past, one thing didn’t go the perfect way I wanted it to be executed because then I would completely shut down for the foreseeable future.

I used to be self-critical. Not anymore, though. Alhamdulilah. I know that I was placed on this earth to bring truth, joy, peace, justice and understanding to people through my words. Even though my skills aren’t where I want them to be, I don’t view myself any lesser than others; at least not anymore. I know for certain that Allah subhanahu wa’tala has a plan for me, but I don’t know if I have fully surrendered to that plan. There’s something in me that is hesitant to relinquish the sense of control I feel I have from all of the quantitative data I see. Numbers mean something; and if the numbers aren’t looking good, I face the heavens and ask Allah why the results haven’t sprouted yet. Internally, I fully believe that my words are doing more benefit than harm, but the thing is, I’m not seeing qualitative data to back up my belief.

The first thing I did when something didn’t go my way–whether it was in school, at my job, or a passion project I was working on–was to blame myself and my skills (or lack thereof). I’m now willing to admit that I was quite pretentious, obnoxious and delusional. For a while, I picked up hobbies and after trying them once or twice and I didn’t turn out to be a genius at them, I would be so ashamed of myself for not knowing how to perform those hobbies perfectly. However, if a friend or a family member was upset about not doing something perfectly after the first or second or third try, I’d console them and tell them it’s okay for them suck at something new. When it came to me, though? I never gave myself the same grace and understanding I freely gave others. Alhamdulilah, I can now say that I have arrived at a point where I don’t hate myself and am not self-sabotaging every chance I get.

Pendulums swing from one end to another. I am secure in myself now. Alhamdulilah. However, it nows seems that my problems have gone from me not trusting in my camel tying skills, to me questioning whether or not I have fully surrendered to God. The sixth pillar of Imaan is to believe in qadar (divine decree) and qada (divine will). Those two concepts are joined together, though I’m not sure if they mean the same thing. When I think of qadar, I think of the following facts: Allah swt is all-comprehensive and nothing good or bad happens but by His will. Everything that has, is, or will happen is already documented in the Preserved Tablet, so nothing can get by Him and He swt knows everything. Basically, everything is predestined. On the other hand, I think of qada (or divine will) as the manifestation of Allah’s abilities through creation, both seen and unseen.

I always find myself in awe of everything that Allah swt has created, including my ability to be in awe. I sometimes feel like it can be too much, the way I easily go down a rabbit hole about metacognition. I want to let go of the numbers and be present every step of the way. I want my belief in His plan to be unshakeable. Numbers don’t mean anything if my tawakkul in Allah is in a questionable state. Therefore, I should not only desire to ween off of checking for updates, but actively flee to Him because I am utterly nothing without Him. I’d rather have internal conversations with Allah where I ask Him how I’m doing. Even though I recognize that it is a helpful tool, I don’t want social media to suck me in with its fleeting promises.

فِي أَمَانِ اللَّهِ