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One time, I got into a car accident. Ever since then, I’ve used that incident as an excuse to not even hear the word car breathed around me by ANYONE. Now, you might be wondering: Whaaatttt??? Why would you do that? Aren’t cars like… useful? And to that, dear reader, I’d respond: NO! I mean, yeah, they’re good and dandy and pretty useful, but I hate cars like Lily hates Vietnam. The summer before the accident happened, I actually decided to take driving lessons to get my driver’s license. Then it happened, and I did a complete 180 and said you know what??? Why drive at all? Why even go anywhere that needs driving? Mind you, my city is pretty unwalkable, and the public transport system… could be better.
I think I exaggerated the impact that accident had on me because my mother was on my case about me not having a driver’s license at my big, grown age. Before the accident even happened, I wanted her to sort of back off about me not having one, but I didn’t want to be rude about it. Then the accident happened. That event happening when it did definitely reaffirmed my belief that no matter what good or bad thing enters or happens in your life, it was meant to be. So I saw an opportunity to use it as an excuse and she sort of relaxed about it. If you’re wondering, I still didn’t get my license, dear reader, but my sanity and quality of life have never been better. Who even *waves and shrugs around at your general direction* wants to go and be outside all day? Not me.
I’m sad to say that I am, in fact, a homebody. Alhamdulilah, but 🙁 I’m not as outgoing as I wish I was. I remember having a conversation with my mom about me living alone, and her sister (my habaryar) was on the phone, and they flippantly made this comment about me being a loner of sorts. We were discussing the possibility of me living alone, so it was all hypothetical. I remember how they jokingly said that if I were to move out, I’d be cooped up in the house all the time and talk to myself because I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. That comment flared something up because I remember saying something along the lines of WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? I GO OUTSIDE TOO! I HAVE PLENTY OF FRIENDS AND I LOVE BEING OUTSIDE WHERE PEOPLE ARE.
Subhanallah. Now that I’m writing about it, I realize the reason why that comment did a number on me when it shouldn’t have. At the time, I was this hungry individual; I seeked validation from anyone who could give it to me because I was insecure in who I was. Also, they knew me. The real me. The one that hates socializing and going outside for unnecessary reasons. So, that’s great! It’s actually true when they say your family knows you best.
I feel like I’ll never beat the loner allegations.
At this point, I might as well just embrace it.
I brought up that accident for a broader reason, but as I write this, I can’t seem to remember what that reason might be. Oh, well. I might remember some other time. Let’s shift to how I manage stressful situations. The answer to that is: I don’t. I don’t worry about things as much as I should worry about them. That’s a huge concern of mine. I’m a very lax person when it comes to… well… almost everything. I under-worry, if that’s even a word. I over-think, but I under-worry. I do find it worrying how under-worried I am about things people usually worry about. Say worry ten times fast.
I should give an example. Let’s talk about money, for example. That’s something people worry about because most of them, including myself, aren’t bajillionaires. Sometimes, I find myself genuinely worried about how I’m not so worried and concerned about my provision. It’s not even about me having complete trust in Allah, which, as a Muslim, you definitely should. And I do have trust in Him. Always. But it’s more so… oh, well, why should I be worried when everything I’m set to earn in this life has already been sort of… destined? Like, Allah knows everything, so why should I give myself an unnecessary headache? I get that there’s petitionary prayers and that one is able to change one’s qadar at certain special times. But that’s not really what I’m talking about here.
Right now, my approach to life is to definitely put some effort into what I do, and to put a lot of trust in Allah, and stay relatively un-worried about the outcome because life is short and everything can change within the blink of an eye. I remember death a lot to keep me grounded. Sure, I can work out and eat healthy food and remain stress-free and lackadaisical, but I don’t walk around with so much desire for this world because I know that I am not promised that I’ll take the next breath. In fact, this one could be the very last one I take.
When I think about how not worried I am about my finances, I remember an incredibly profound saying of the Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him), or at least I think its attributed to the Prophet. To broadly paraphrase it, he (s.a.w) says: Know that if something was written for you and it was in between two mountains, you will receive it; and if something was not written for you and it was as close to you as your two lips are close to each other, you will never receive it.
So! When I remember that, I just go back to my default mode, which is me being stress-free and lax and not in a hurry to do anything out of desire or desperation.
I believe this trait of mine is both a superpower and also a hindrance of sorts, alhamdulilah. I say hindrance because in the past, it put me in this state where, like a dumb-dumb, I was unwilling to lift a finger to actualize my goals. I don’t like that word, “goals.” Something about it rubs me in the wrong way. I like systems better. I heard the word goal used a lot when I was younger, and I flailed it around because I didn’t know better. I just mimicked the online people that I, for very unhealthy reasons, looked up to. All they talked about were their “goals.” I don’t do that anymore. Look up to them, I mean, or use that word as much. I run a tight ship (it’s me; I’m the tight ship) these days, and the ship might look chaotic, but there are systems in place that keep it afloat in the sometimes turbulent, sometimes peaceful sea of life.