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Nowadays, I can tell when I feel genuinely exhausted. This is a pretty huge development for someone who constantly felt like logging out of life and entering a never ending sleep. Alhamdulilah, I’ve reached a point where I can verbally say no to things I know will leave me burnt out in the end before my body physically reaches a point where it says a big huge exclamation point “NO!” for me. I know my decision to say no to things I’m supposed to say yes to has and will disappoint the people in my life, but I don’t care. I need to be okay with myself before I can be of service to others. I used to be disappointed in myself for disappointing others, but… I survived the person I used to be—a person who fervently despised herself.
After I finish writing, I’ll go on a walk. Something will be happening soon, and I want to go into it feeling my best. Isn’t it cool, how I occupy a state where I associate walking with feeling good about life and myself? Alhamdulilah. I’m starting to think that life isn’t meant to be FUN Pro Max 3000 all the time. It’s okay to experience the boring days. It’s okay to slow down. It’s okay for plans to get messed up because of unexpected last minute weather conditions. It’s okay to not have your meal plan for the week sorted out. I don’t have to be so anal about every little detail about my life; the fact that I can is good enough for me.
For so long, I’ve lived life on hard mode. Sure, the fact that I was born into this specific family came with its own unique challenges and it didn’t make living easy all the time. However, there were moments I decided to live life on difficult mode. I took on burdens that were heavy and not necessarily worth carrying. Some of those burdens weren’t mine to carry, yet I did. It’s okay though. I am not the kind of person who really mulls over the past mistakes I made. I sometimes think of them as experiences that were meant to teach me something useful for the future.
It’s raining now. Let’s make a duaa, dear reader: may Allah swt grant you and I all the good we desire. Ameen. I’m kind of excited for this month. August feels good. It feels like the air is filled with anticipation before something crazy good happens. Maybe it’s because this month marks the beginning of back to school season. Nevertheless, I pray that we receive what we’ve been praying for. Ameen. Life isn’t so bad. And if it really is bad, at least you’re alive. And if it’s so bad that you’re questioning why you’re even alive, then at least you have the ability to question the fact that you’re alive. So, stop being so sorry for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll get there. It’ll eventually click for you, as it did for me.
I’ve outgrown certain things, and it’s both good and bad. Good because I can move on to better ways of existing, and bad because I see the people around me still stuck in ways I consciously chose to leave behind. I don’t know. Maybe Allah subhanahu wa’tala is testing the way I deal with people after He unlocked this new level for me. Am I going to be presumptuous and act as though I’m holier than everyone? Or, because of my thankfulness to Him, will my patience and humility increase? I genuinely pray it’s the latter and not the former. Whenever we ascend in life, may our thankfulness and gratitude and humility increase. Ameen.
God-consciousness is a habit I’m looking to learn and sustain for as long as I live. I wonder what makes some people shun our Creator out of their life while others flee to Him. Don’t all of us human beings come into this world having this tiny, seed-sized feeling that there’s a mastermind behind everything? Isn’t it pretty neat to turn to this one, great mastermind with all the concerns, hopes, and dreams you have? Who do you turn to when you’re angry, or sad, or joyful? Do you release it all on the people closest to you, or do you keep it all in, under tight wraps? Wouldn’t it be better, dear reader, to have conversations with your Lord?