I have this fear of sticking to one thing. I feel like if I stay in one place for too long or get comfortable with something, I’ll miss out on a lot of what’s out there. I think the root cause my inconsistency is my having this irrational fear of feeling caged in a box once I stick to something.

I was spread wayyy too thin for the past couple of years. I’ve dabbled in watercolour painting, pushed that aside, bought a chess board to learn how to play chess, and after the novelty wore off, guess what? I pushed it aside. The board is in my closet, collecting dust. Then I had the era where I was all about starting a podcast. I did market research, came up with a cool podcast name. I even created a cute little podcast picture/banner. The podcast folder in my notes app hasn’t been opened for a while, but I sometimes like to look back on the ideas I had for podcast episodes. I paid $500 and signed up for a one year gym membership, and… you know it! I didn’t go. I went maybe for a couple of days at the start, but I just stopped going after the first month or so.

So what does this say about me as a person? I don’t follow through. I’m lazy. I’m flaky. I have commitment issues. I’m this, I’m that.

Well, I don’t know. I don’t entirely believe that about myself. At least not anymore. For a while there I thought that I was the worst human in the history of humans. I’m very passionate about reading. Sure, there are months where I couldn’t be bothered to pick up a book and read, but that doesn’t mean that my passion and love of reading is gone. I’m the type of person that sticks with whatever I’m most passionate about and also works best for me. I can immediately tell if I’ll stick with something for the rest of my life, or if it’s just transitory. This applies to people, experiences, activities, work, and even food. I love cucumbers. Ever since I was a kid, I loved eating cucumbers, and I just know that I’ll be 95 and munching on cucumbers… unless my teeth fall out because of my candy addiction. No worries! I’ll just sip on cucumber juice.

When I started to write on my notes app, it was horrible, and painful. I only wrote when I felt like it, which was very far in between. I don’t like feeling like a failure, especially when I try new things. I know, I shouldn’t expect to be a genius at something I’ve just started to try. Maybe the feeling is universal. Anyways, I was writing for this imaginary literary audience that was highly esteemed. I guess I made my early experiences of writing more painful for myself by wanting to impress these fictional judges in my head. I eventually arrived at a point where I slowly started to feel like I was writing for myself. Nothing too long. I’d write maybe a sentence or two that truly expressed how I felt, what I thought, and what I believed in, and that felt amazing. I think that’s why you’re reading this, and why I’m here right now. I found the perfect fit. I love sitting here alone, typing these words out, and expressing myself, my inner child, and the creative universe that is inside me through the written word. It’s what I’ve always turned back to after I was done with watercolour painting, gyms, chess playing, and podcast-making.

Everything in my world is variable, except for the things I’m absolutely and irrevocably passionate about. Those are sticking with me until the day I die. I guess you can truly know that you’ve found your thing if you can say that you’ve always turned back to it. And yes, the only thing I could say I have been consistent about was attending school (not talking about my university years here). But this is my life now, and I get to call the shots on what I choose to do. I have to stay consistent with writing because I don’t want to think about what’ll become of me if I don’t. Alhamdulilah that Allah swt has granted me my love of reading and writing, and I pray that it benefits me and the greater ummah both in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.

فِي أَمَانِ اللَّهِ