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These days, I have zero energy for life. I also hate waking up early. I haven’t been praying fajr on time. My day starts around noon, or after duhr, whichever comes first. I go to sleep when it’s a little before fajr time, so I get my eight hours of sleep throughout the morning. I stay up all night either thinking about stuff or binge-watching a k-drama.
I can’t just talk about the negatives without mentioning some positives. So, here’s two good things going on for me: I’ve been “working out.” Just getting some steps in each day. I’m proud of how I’ve been consistent about it. The second good thing is that I’ve been practicing approaching my living as ibadah. It’s actually a fun exercise to partake in. I wake up for Allah, rest for Allah, take care of my body for Allah, and I extend kindness to my mother for the sake of Allah. I love it. Alhamdulilah. I think this is the way I should’ve been living my entire life. Maybe if I learned to do things for His sake early on, it would’ve saved me from all the unnecessary turmoil I’ve had to experience. But I don’t agree with that. If I didn’t experience what I did, I wouldn’t have endured. And if I didn’t endure, I don’t know if I’d be here today. I think the point of life is to be patient and endure the “bad” times, and to be grateful to Allah during the good times.
I want to have more courage to keep on the path that is most pleasing to God. Courage presupposes a great deal of energy.
Was I always this way? Was I always this tired, exhausted, and barely wanting to interact with life?
Whatever the answer might be doesn’t concern me so much as the fact that I’ll need to start incorporating more strength training exercises in my daily routine. I heard it gives one more energy. Sounds a bit counterintuitive to me. I need to build my endurance so that I can better persevere whatever test life is bound to throw my way. I think these are the good days, alhamdulilah. My days are quiet. A few years back, I was dying to have some peace and quiet. Now that I have it, I’m beyond thankful to Allah. Alhamdulilah. It’s the kind of peace and quiet people spend an entire lifetime working and struggling for.
I’d like to share this weird feeling I’ve always had. I don’t know if I should call it weird, but it’s something I never shared with anyone, nor have I heard anyone talk about it. Maybe I’m the only person in the world who has these moments, or maybe it isn’t only unique to me, but the people who have this experience maybe just don’t talk about it. Whenever something extremely good is happening to me, I immediately notice it. In the past, too, I wouldn’t just be in the moment. I wouldn’t just enjoy the moment and be happy. In the moment, I’d quite literally think: this is a core memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Every once in a while, I look back on those few but very sweet memories, and when I do, I’d remember how in those moments I thought that I was experiencing something beautiful.
Ramadan is ending again, and again, I can’t wait for the next one. I pray that Allah forgives us for our shortcomings. Some of us don’t know it, but it might be our last Ramadan. I pray that Allah grants us all the fruits this Ramadan bears, and that He continues to shower us with His mercy. Ameen.